I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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