I smell stomach acid.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
So here I am, sexting at work.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
