So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
