I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
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