You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
