Just took my morning after pill in the library
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
