I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Nobody cheats on THIS.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
