I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize