Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
She needs sedatives and a leash
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Randomize
