we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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