My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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