you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
so while we were having sex, he stuck it in my but, and when he finished he goes next time can we have anal. i don't know if that means im tight or my butt hole is loose, i choose to think the first one
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Randomize