I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
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