Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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