I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
you inspire me to be a worse person
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
