At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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