her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
