We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Randomize
