Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
Randomize
