Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
