Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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