you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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