i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
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