Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
