In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
