i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
