OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
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