if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
I didn't notice because vodka
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
