can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I said "one day" and that day is not today
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