It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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