I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize