Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
