having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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