The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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