I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
