My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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