I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
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