I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
I AM VODKA MAN
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
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