We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Randomize
