I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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