You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
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