took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
