Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
I need to align my fucking chakras
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
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