the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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