Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
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