I'm jealous of your bromance
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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