Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Randomize
