I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize