One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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