Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I just want nice things and good sex
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
