I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Randomize
