At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
