Soap is not a condiment
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
