It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
