Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
