I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Drunk is a universal language darling
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize