I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
We need a shit load of segways right now
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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