WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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