my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Randomize
