I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Randomize
