i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Randomize
