I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
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