Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
