I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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