So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Let's get the cat blown out
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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