i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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